25 Words or Less: Two Dollar and Fifty Cent Reviews

At 10 cents a word, we have some of the worst paid critics in the business.* To add insult to injury, check out the movies some of them saw…

(Gurinder Chadha, 2003) Can’t decide between soccer and a nice Sikh wedding? Fun-and-lighthearted soccer-chick-flick social-commentary triumph-over-all cinematic experience.

— Matison Moon

(Mark Steven Johnson, 2003) Nuther one of them there comic book movies. Ben looks bored, but the imagemakers must’ve had a hoot making a blind man see with sound.

— Demon

(Ron Shelton, 2003) Kurt Russell can’t escape from the maddening LA riots or Ving Rhames. Cheeseball-tough-guy-corrupt-cop-type movie based on a James Elroy novel.

— Matison Moon

(Lee Tamahori, 2003) Self parody compresses thirty years of sexual innuendos and car chase explosion scenes into a single film by removing all distracting plot and character development.

— Dr. Mangrove

(Frank. Reyes, 2002) Drug dealer fantasy, triple message: don’t kill da kid when you pop tha dad; don’t trust tha white man, don’t trust tha white man’s bitch.

— Demon

(Todd Haynes, 2002) Looks like Sirk, feels like Sirk, but why Sirk? Sirk already did Sirk, and he did it better. I don’t get it.

— Demon

(Martin Scorsese, 2002) Mythical, larger-than-life prehistory of NYC, featuring gangs and corruption and more gangs and more corruption. Scorsese loves this stuff, eh? Me too - sorta.

— Demon

(Donald Petrie, 2003) Like you haven’t had to suffer through one of these abominations before?!?!?!?

— Matison Moon

(Jeff Tremaine, 2002) Parents complain Jackass inspires kids to taunt alligators, take shopping carts airborn, and stick metal objects up their asses. Folks, please let natural selection work.

— Demon

(Lisa Cholodenko, 2003) If you were to watch The Graduate in reverse, this is what you would get. No sell outs in this Hollywood Hills seductive romp.

— Matison Moon

(Joe Carnahan, 2002) Overrated, ultraviolent, style-over-substance. Liotta scary, but what’s new? Same acid bleached style as those apocalyptic Chevy truck ads; probably appeals to same audience.

— Demon

(Mark Romanek, 2002) Bad for Toyota USA’s marketing department, but great for Robin Williams. You’ll never look at the gas-efficient Echo the same way again.

— Xtian

(Susanne Bier, 2003) Need some dark, depressing nihilistic angst in your life? Here is the next Danish Dogma movement film for you.

— Matison Moon

(Roman Polanski, 2002) Simply put, this movie makes you appreciate walking, talking, eating, living, breathing. Brutal, remarkable story shows important piece of history.

— Demon

(Roger Donaldson, 2003) Crap movie about crap CIA crap training crap recruit crap deception crap lies crap Hollywood crap boring. Did I say crap?

— Demon

(Gore Verbinski, 2002) Who ever thought a wan student film could be so spooky? This remake (nah, really?) had me pissing my Old Navy Cargos for 7 days.

— Xtian

(Steven Soderbergh, 2002) Wake up snoozy and watch this thoughtful, understated sci-fi puzzle piece. Filmmakers: make more intellectual science fiction like this, please.

— Demon

* Right, right! Movie 666 is a labor of love. No one on this site gets paid a dime.