Movie 666

By Alicia Frobisher

I went to the movies, yo? Only my stoopid Dad cut off my allowance because me and my friend Brandi wanted to go snog with these totally cute guys from West Town High (seniors!) but I was talkin’ on the house phone like an idiot an I heard this click and it was my Dad who was listenin in just when I was telling Brandi about something that I would totally NEVER do with a guy unless I was gonna marry him an so not only am I grounded but I’m broke. So I couldn’t go to the Cinerama at the mall, cuz it was like nine bucks an I wanted to get some of this nail-polish that’s got like glitter an shizit up in it which is like six bucks an my mom started hiding her purse after I stoled twenty bucks out to go to the Douglas Sirk retrospective in La Jolla so all I got is three bucks. So I hadda go to the Budget cinema. Luckily Brandi went too, an not some guy cuz the popcorn was gross and I sat in someone’s gum an this guy and girl were totally making out behind us an it was just gross. The movie: La-a-a-ame! Captain Corelli’s Mandolin which came out like twenty years ago. There’s this village in Mexico or someplace and Christian Bale (totally hot or I’d of never gone to see

Fonzie’s back!

this) and Penelope Cruz are gonna get married but her dad who is even lamer than my dad, with a butt-fluff moustache, says no. Anyway, then Nicholas Cage shows up and he’s got a Mandolin and the worst Spanish accent you ever heard - it sounds like Super Mario Brothers. Anyway, they sit around and say stuff and then the Nazis invade. Hello! Did the Nazis invade Mexico? I think not. If they did, I’d totally know cuz my grampa was in WWII and he would of gone there but he’s so stupid he thinks Chimichangas are some word for hot girls. Well, then the war starts and I didn’t pay attention for a while and then it seemed kinda strange that it’s WWII but there’s all these rocket launchers and stuff. I didn’t know they had all that stuff back in the 1920’s. Then that Japanese chick from Ally McBeal meets Anthonio Banderas and they decide to invade Canada and they kill lots of police and stuff. Weird. I think, seriously, I fell asleep again and another movie started. Yup! I went outside to see what it was. But someone messed with the marquee and rearranged the letters to say BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER. I tried ta figure out what the real title was, but all I could come up with was BLISS ELK VS. [the] CACTUS. What a shitty week, yo?

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