Defend Yourself Against Goblins, Witches, and Crazies

How to Survive an Uprising of Demonically Possessed, Candy-Craving Children by Demon

Bad Seed Trick or Treat Last year on November 1, I was stuck with a bowl of grandma candy. Never shop for candy at dusk on Halloween. When I entered the store, empty cardboard boxes littered the isles. All the boxes contained were disgusting red and white peppermints like the ones you get at the Italian restaurant, and coffee flavored rocks. No witch child in her right mind wanted this dross. It’s a year later, and those mints are still lying around the house.

This year I went to the store early. Buy your candy in the morning and there is still plenty of time to get home and lock the doors before the crazies hit the street. This year I bought my candy a week early — all stuff I don’t mind eating later. I don’t care if the kids come or not. I’ve got two bags of Paydays, two bags of Heaths, one bag of Kit Kats, one bag of Butterfingers, and one bag of Snickers. I feel as confident as Rambo with an M60 and a full clip in the Night of the Living Dead.

After the creepy little girls finish their begging, I’m going with my wife to see the movie Halloween. I’m curious to watch the scene with Lori Strode in the classroom. Different versions of the teacher’s voice exist for that scene, and I want to see which one appears in the film. It’s a nerd thing to be concerned with, I know, but you understand if you are a fan of this website.

The theater near our house is playing a triple header of Halloween, Dead Alive, and The Shining. Despite my great respect for the films of Stanley Kubrick, I don’t understand why anyone watches the Shining on Halloween. It may be a furry movie, but it’s not a Halloween movie. It’s also way too long for a horror movie.

We’re going to walk to the theater because only fools drive at night on Halloween. Driving at night in the city on Halloween is worse than driving in werewolf country during a full moon. You’re just asking for something fanged to leap on the windshield.

Enough patronizing advice, let’s talk about some important things…