End the Mindless Commentaries: 25 Words or Less!

Tired of long, convoluted reviews that do little more than give away key plot points? Angry at the blabber-mouth critics who espouse little more than intellectual redundancies? Want quick, short and to-the-point synapses? Here they are, guaranteed to be 25 words or less:

(Sean Penn, 2001) Ambiguous plot points with absolutely no rewarding payoff in the end: Pledge never to see this stinker. Jack Nicholson can’t save this one.

— Matison Moon

(Ridley Scott, 2001) Tony moany, cuts guts. Jo-fo no go, but Julianne can.

— Alicia Frobisher

(Henry Selick, 2001) Fraser kinda funny but Kattan steals show as zombie gymnast on lam from organ donor clinic; anticommercial themes give way to ice cream plugs.

— Demon

(Mark Singer, 2000) Dumpster diving subway dwellers share scraps and showers; this smelly documentary is worth sniffing out with its rare glimpse of subterranean culture.

— Demon

(Ang Lee, 2000) Sense and Sensibility meets Iron Monkey; American audiences go giggly for kung fu but struggle with subtitles. Director Ang Lee can do it all.

— Demon

(Christopher Nolan, 2001) Memento is about a man who cannot make new memories. It is so flawlessly constructed you must see it twice to appreciate it’s genius.

— Dr. Mangrove

(Jackie Chan, 1979) Fearless Hyena shows Jackie Chan’s brilliance as a kung fu performer and comedian, as he artfully blends slapstick and lethal fighting techniques.

— Dr. Mangrove

(Curtis Hanson, 2000) Wonder Boys had no impact on me. It was as if I had stared at a blank screen for two hours.

— Dr. Mangrove

(Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly and J.B. Rogers, 1979) Say It Isn’t So is such a horrific movie, I don’t know whether it’s the product of ingenious sabotage or tasteless incompetence.

— Dr. Mangrove

(Wong Kar Wai, 2001) A lush cinematic language from cinematographer Christopher Doyle that oozes with temptation and romance simply unattainable through mere dialogue.

— Matison Moon

(Lars Von Trier, 2000) Death penalty musical not as funny as it sounds; chilling and thick with implication; Bjork blasts, beware of bouncy camera.

— Demon

(Robert Zemeckis, 2000) Fed-ex exec wrecks. Dreck.

— Alicia Frobisher

(Coen Brothers, 2000) Another devilishly clever insight into subcultures from the Coen brothers, this time featuring a truly Homeric odyssey through the depression-era South.

— Matison Moon

Some scenes sputter, plot meanders like Southern river, but Clooney is looney enough to warrant ticket; music mellow, with creepy Klan dance and delightful dubbing.

— Demon