Half Blood Prince is Empire Strikes Back of Potter Movies
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince reviewed by Morris T. Pevensey, the Movie Critic Who Hates Everything.
Greetings young Wizzards and Witchies! It is I, “Professor” Pevensie, back from the magic castle of Hogwarp to “enchant” you with a review of – you guessed it – the new Harry Potter movie, HPATHBP.
My, that acronym certainly is a mouthful! HPABATHPP! Sounds like a magic spell!
This is not your older sister’s Harry Potter movie! Not surprising, because if your older sister was of an age to enjoy Harry Potter And The…whatever it was…then she’ll be off to college right about now.
Anyway, this is one dark and scary HP movie! It is truly the Empire Strikes Back of the Potter franchise! From start to finish, the mood is dark and funereal. At the end, the good guys seem to lose more than they gain. The film ends on an uncertain note, as we await the sure-to-be cataclysmic events of the finale.
Except, not to be picky, but ‘The Empire Strikes Back” was the second film of the Star Wars Trilogy. HPHATHPBBBTHPP is what, the sixth? seventh? in its series. Pardon me, but did we really sit through six films just to get to a bleak, inconclusive THREE HOUR bookended installment?
I mean seriously, that’s a lot of Potter Plot to keep straight. And over eight years, too! I confess, Morris considers himself anything but a “Miggle” when it comes to the world of Rowling-esque magic. But even a loyal fan like Morris found himself completely lost trying to remember what’s happened in the earlier movies and what it means for this one.
Oh, I guess I get the basic plot. HP is bad at Chemistry. He finds a Chemistry book that helps him get good at Chemistry. It belonged to someone called the Half-Blood Prince. The half what what? What the holy cats does that mean? For some reason, the trio of Harry, Don and Harmonia must run around willy nilly trying to find out who the Half Blood Prince is or was. Then at the end, a character spits out the words “Yes! Indeed! I am the Half Blood Prince!”
Aha! Um, OK. Sorry to spoil that for you.
I admit I was “enchanted” by the first fifteen or sixteen HP films. I recall how little ‘Arry’s eyes would pop when the magic staircases moved, or the dining hall food magically appeared on the tables.
Now that Harry & Co. have worn grooves in the corridors of Hogwax, they run right up the magic staircases without a nod. They shovel in their magic food. Why bother with the magic if no one’s going to notice? Why not just put HP and pals in a Muncie, Indiana community college and save the magic for those young wizzies (and audiences) that still give a damn?
Thank god this is the penultimate entry. One more three-hour spellfest, and we can bury this overlong, overwrought, dead-horse-beaten merchandising juggernaut. Will anyone have the faintest idea what’s going on in the last installment? Will anyone care?
This is Morris, zipping away on his…
WAIT! UPDATE: Morris has just found out that the final HP book, Harry Potter And The Gimply Galloolagong, will be SPLIT! Into TWO movies! Good god! The child wizzards will have grey hair and crows feet by the time this is done! I can see the opening scene of the last film:
INTERIOR – NIGHT. HARRY POTTER AND WHATEVER THEIR NAMES ARE ARE RUNNING THROUGH SOME CORRIDOR SOMEWHERE. BEHIND THEM, IN HOT PURSUIT, COME SOME OTHER PEOPLE
HARRY (British accent): Come on! We’ve got to find the Prophecy from the Room of Regurgiment before the Ministry of Muggle Juggling finds out that we’ve cadged the Spinikus Vines from Madame Muckbug’s Magic Mortatorium in order to stop Draco McFly from hexing Gimpy Weezleton and unleashing the Serpent of Simitar Simoleon from the Chamber of Sewers! Then we have to tell Professor Gumblesnort we saw Simplicus Snert poisoning the Pimple Potion that Argabulous Fronk guzzled at the Christmas Feast before Lord Vulgarmold materializes in some random graveyard and shoots purple lightning out of his missing nostrils and fries the Good Fairies of the Scary Forest that Hagar Hugeback likes so much, the loveable old lump!
RON: Bloody ‘ell, we haven’t got enough time!
HARMONIA: Time! That’s it! Oive just remembuh’d! Spinikus Vines can stop time!
HARRY: Great! Ron, you go round up Labdacus Spinge and Professor Sphincletart and Hargfog and Jiminy Whotsit and Stinky Wizzle Teats, and Kung Fu Panda and Honorarium Declined and Birthday Bear and Hooflung Poo and I.P Daley and Baby Bop and Cousin Itt and Mrs. Butterworth and Howdy Doody and the Sundance Kid and El Chupacabra and the Sons of Katy Ellder…
***
Poof! This is Morris, boys and girls…disappearing in a puff of smoke!
Related posts:
- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
- This Borg Needs Blood… and a Brain
- Starfleet Babies
- Blood and Animation: Princess Mononoke
- Blood and Circus Maximus: The Audience Appeal of Gladiator
Thank You for posting this, i really wanted to hear someone else input on the comparison of the Half Blood Prince to Empire. This installment is one of the best in the series. And i remember watching this at the theater with the same amusement i had watching the Empire Strikes Back. The plot formula is the same as Empire.
Thank You for recognizing and posting this Comparison