Hurt Locker Fails to Capture World War II Experience
The Hurt Locker reviewed by Morris T. Pevensey, the MCWHE (that’s the Movie Critic Who Hates Everything for those of you not up on your anachronyms - ed)
Aloha Morris-minors! (A little in-joke for you afficionadoes of British sports cars!) It is I, Morris Pevensey, back from enduring another two hours of brain-rape at the local moovyplex. And, you guessed it, old Morris is so sweating blithering punching-the-air MAD that he’s ready to upset baby carriages and kick adorable penguin chicks.
The film in question: The Hurt Locker written by Marc Bowl and directed by Catherine Bigeloe, a tense, gritty war movie. Now Morris is a big fan of war movies. Give Morris the whine of a P-38, the thud of a howitzer, the crackle of tommy gun fire and a popcorn bucket the size of Roger Ebert’s coffin and he’s happier than General Tojo the day after Pearl Harbor.
This war movie frankly left me rather unimpressed. Where are the grim-faced Marines storming beaches, the Nazi-hunts through treacherous forests, the satanic Japanese commandant, the plucky farm boy placed in charge of a rowdy band of misfits? OK, so it takes place in North Africa, featuring, as far as I can tell, a group of rowdy misfits who chase down Erwin “Desert Fox” Rommel the twisted and brilliant German field marshal who gave the allies so much trouble in the harsh wastes of Tunisia.
Yet what do these brave boys do all day? Do they hunt down Germans entrenched in foxholes? Infiltrate and massacre an elite party for high ranking Nazis? Endure vicious shelling by day, while spending their nights on their bunks wondering what it’s all for, fellas? No, all these lazy grunts do all day is hunt around for unexploded shells by the roadside, and then get all panicky while they try to defuse them! Oh the fear on these boys’ faces!
Call that bravery? Morris has sat through a lot of war movies. Morris was there when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor in Tora Tora Tora! (1970) (And when the Germans did it in Animal House!) Morris lived the Guadalcanal Diary (1943) and walked The Sands of Iwo Jima (1949). He stormed the beach at Midway (1976) and made his way across Europe in Saving Private Ryan (1998).
The brave infantry, Marines, squids and pilots in these movies endure screaming fusillades of incoming shells, as they storm the beaches at Normandy or hunker in their foxholes in the Pacific Ocean. But one dinky little shell next to the road? Is that enough to terrify a real hero? The full-tilt production that these nancy boys make over a bit of leftover ordinance would embarrass The Dirty Dozen!
The keen eyes of Morris Pevensey were watching carefully boys and girls, and there are a few technical details of this movie that seemed quite wrong as well. First of all, mobile field radios in WWII were bulky heavy things that required a specialist to operate them. (Go Radar O’Reilly!) These soldiers carry tiny little things that looked to me just like cellular telephones! A bit anachronistic, don’t you think?
Second, I noticed that this film depicts Negro soldiers serving alongside their caucasoid brethren. Now, I don’t wish to quibble, but I happen to know that it is a sad fact that the Armed Forces were segregated until a very late date. I recall from Miracle at St. Anna (2008) that the contributions of brave African American soldiers went sadly unappreciated until long after the war.
Anyway, our plucky band of heroes make their way across Libya in pursuit of Rommel, shrieking like little girls every time they see a stray shell. At some point, Lawrence of Arabia shows up, played by Ralph Fines, and there’s a shootout with a band of Bedouins. And T.E. Lawrence is killed! What?!!?!? Watch Lawrence of Arabia (1962) and you will see that this dashing war hero was most certainly not killed in a minor shootout in the desert while panicked sissy GIs shouted for help into their dinky “cell radios.”
They should have had Lee Marvin from The Big Red One (1980) as their sarge! None of this “ooo, we can’t go near a bomb without our big rubber suit!” None of this “heavy metal” playing in the barracks! (In my experience, the Andrews Sisters were a much more popular choice for R&R music back then.) Morris was disgusted by this phony and historically suspect movie. It is an insult to the memory of brave veterans like Randolph Scott, John Wayne and Ronald Reagan who kept us safe from the Axis menace all those years ago. Morris rates this movie…
>:-( >:-( >:-( >:-( >:-(
…five frowns! HATEful!
Related posts:
- Milking the Milk Movie
- Space Junk: Star Wars the Experience
- Half Blood Prince is Empire Strikes Back of Potter Movies
- Morris Up for “Up”?
- Fashion Nazis Should Love Valkyrie Movie
its not a fucking ww2 movie you stupid shit!!!! i just read your bs review and feel like you have made dumber.
1 how is a movie supposed to capture ww2 if its about a diffrent kind of war
2 they’re not chaseing the desert fox its in the 2000’s you twat
3 they made better radios since ww2 so people wouldnt have to be like radar to use them
4. all those movies that you brought up were exactly that… MOVIES! and some of them were propaganda movies so stfu about them being more manly in those movies. this movie tries to stay close to the chest. and talk to any vet i dont care how old they are if they find a fucking bomb they would freak out.fyi most of the charicters in the movies you listed are made up.
5. you are by far the stupidest person that has ever said anything on the web. your artical makes no sence, and your picture makes no fucking sence either also you obviously dont know dick about movies so you should stop reviewing them because your just talking out your ass and that just further proves that your article is a piece of shit.
have a good day
I would just like to say that I totally love bobbyg’s response to this review. Well done bobby, you are spot on with everything that you said. Being a former EOD soldier and serving in Iraq and Afghanistan I would love to have Morris go and “hunt around for unexploded shells by the roadside” like us lazy grunts did. Bear in mind that these are not just Unexploded Ordnance (UXO), but in most cases, these “unexploded shells” are tied into some of the most sophisticated electronic firing circuits that are around. One of these devices with multiple munitions tied into it would have taken out the entire dirty dozen in one blink of the eye. I have seen firsthand multiple casualties from these devices over and over again. So sorry you weren’t aroused by the film, but really you were way over the top about something that you obviously have never and will never be able to experience. Maybe in another lifetime you might have some really courage to reflect upon, but unfortunately in this lifetime you are just an ignorant retard. Maybe not the best movie in the world and I realize that you are the Movie Critic Who Hates Everything, but wow, really.