The New Lowest Form of Cinematic Life?
MOVIES BASED ON BOARD GAMES MAY BE COMING TO BORE YOU SOON
By Demon
Long abused as the lowest form of cinematic life (aside from the hotel porn you find at the Marriott), the video game movie may finally have a runty little brother to pick on. Universal Studios has just entered into a partnership with Hasbro to produce movies based on board games. Titles could include Monopoly, Candy Land, Ouija, Clue, Battleship, and Magic the Gathering. (article continues after ads)
This would not be the first time Hollywood has made movies based on board games, and actually did make a somewhat decent version of Clue back in 1985. Then there was the miserable Dungeons and Dragons movie (arguably not a board game and not nearly as good as the paranoid anti-gaming movie, Mazes and Monsters), the acclaimed peewee chess drama Searching for Bobby Fischer, and the manic meta-gamish adventure movie, Jumanji.
Although I would raise an interested eyebrow towards a decently made Ouija movie, the boring-sounding Monopoly looks to be at the top of the slate. Rumors have been circulating on the internet that none other than Ridley Scott might direct. Anyone believing or perpetuating such ridiculous lies should go directly to jail and not collect 200 dollars. Why would Scott, the trend-setting director of Blade Runner, Legend, and Gladiator, stoop to directing Monopoly when Candy Land is still up for grabs?
To be fair, Monopoly might very well make a great movie, worthy of the attention of a legendary director like Scott. Consider the following possibility:
A young immigrant arrives at Ellis Island with a few colorful Euros and wearing nothing but a silver shoe. He hops three blocks and finds a poor sucker willing to accept his goofy looking money for a piece of undeveloped property. Another five blocks, more property, and three more blocks, and…
Soon the young immigrant is rolling in glorious, sexy property – and snatching up thrilling railroads and spectacular utilities too! Eager to reap the rewards of his investments, he develops the properties with magnificent houses and opulent hotels constructed of pure plastic. An unfortunate silver top hat accidentally stays in one of the hotels while passing through the posh “yellow section” of town and receives a gigantic bill that forces him to surrender all his worldly possessions to the hero and leave the city in shame! [insert demonic comedic laughter here].
Just when we think nothing can stop him, however, our hero has to pay income tax and we realize how difficult his life really is. We feel his pain when he receives an unexpected doctors bill and has to mortgage one of his utilities to pay the balance (health insurance? Yeah, right…)
Then, by lucky chance, our hero receives an inheritance, and finally can afford that fourth and final railroad he’s been after! He gets sent to jail for the back alley deal, but a magic card puts him back on the street the same day! Go Shoe, go!
Our hero hops joyfully around the city, enjoying free parking while raking in rents and making the occasional payout to his cross town rival, a vicious silver top hat who owns everything in the high blue district — the dreaded walk of death. We know it’s only a matter of time before our hero takes a walk on the Boardwalk, now chock full of houses and hotels. Will he have enough cash to pay the rent? We bite our nails in suspense…
After fourteen hours, our hero still hasn’t landed on the dreaded blue square of death. Shoe and Hat have equal amounts of cash, exchanging bills back and forth while everyone else in the town has gone broke – or just fallen asleep. In the climactic moment, young Shoe reaches down and with hulk-like power grabs the side of the street and throws the entire city up in the air. Houses and hotels and funny money fly everywhere. “I’m tired,” he says. “Godzilla just destroyed the city. You win.”
Yep, video game movies just took a step up the status ladder. Board games, prepare to be whipped.
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I would have liked to have seen what the Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh would have done with a board game movie. But I’m afraid that Hollywood will just crank out more crap. Now a drug-induced film based on Chutes and Ladders directed by Terry Gilliam might indeed be interesting, but we’re more likely to get a Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan romantic comedy based on the game Scrabble.
What’s next? Movies based on favorite masturbation techniques? “Buttered Cabbage Hole II: Back to the Cabbage”? The DAY they make a movie about fucking a pie, I will commit gory suicide in line at Universal Studios.