Movie 666

Movie Review of Vicky Cristina Barcelona
By Demon

I’m having trouble understanding the logic behind Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Take some of the world’s most beautiful actors, put them in a location most Americans consider exotic and romantic, then have them interact with one another in a meandering plot characterized by light humor and sexual adventurism.

It’s the classic recipe for softcore porn, European style.

Sounds promising.

And then some bozo named Woody dumped the salt in the paella.

If Vicky Cristina Barcelona has erotic potential, it’s all but comprised by Woody Allen who pervades the film so much in his absence he might as well have just appeared and ruined it in person.

Firstly, there is the annoying voice over which serves as Cliff’s Notes on what the characters are feeling and thinking when not busy telling us what we are literally seeing onscreen.

The only thing the obtrusive narrator succeeds in doing is adding a layer of ironic detachment to the unfolding story. And there is nothing sexier than ironic detachment.

It’s okay, Woody, you’re allowed to make a sexy picture at least once in your career; Kubrick tried it with Eyes Wide Shut, and although he took a bit of a hit for filming Tom and Nicole go at it, his reputation remains solid.

Then there is Rebecca Hall’s character, Vicky. Is there anything less sexy than a woman who flits about the screen talking ceaselessly while demonstrating the same neuroses we usually get directly from Woody himself? And do we really believe that Javier Bardem would instantly fall in love with such a woman?

I mean, what is the point in recusing yourself from the movie if you use one of the characters as your surrogate — and not a nerdy man surrogate with spectacles, but a beautiful woman? It’s quite unsettling.

Thirdly – and I know actors have standards about this kind of thing – in an erotic movie, we need to see some flesh. Sorry, but the whole “the alien is scarier when we don’t see it” stuff doesn’t work when the genre is Eurotrash. In a movie of this nature, Scarlet and Penelope need to do more than not wear bras underneath their blouses. Javier, for his part, actually showed more skin in No Country for Old Men.

Let’s face it, for an homage to Emmanuelle, this movie is a bit prudish.

Here’s some advice for Vicky Cristina Barcelona II. Italy isn’t that far from Barcelona. Next time, ask Bertolucci to drop by for a day or two. A couple bottles of wine, a tub of butter… he’ll coax the demon out.

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Tags:blue movie, erotic, erotica, eurotrash, eyes wide shut, javier bardem, movie, penelope cruz, romantic comedy, scarlet johansson, softcore, stanley kubrick, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Woody Allen

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