Starfleet Babies
Review of Star Trek
By Morris T. Pevensey, The Movie Critic Who Hates Everything
Peace, Morris-minions! Live a long time…and be prosperous!
Yes, you have guessed it! When Morris heard there was a new Star Trek movie in the works, he put on his “Dr. Spock” ears and rubbed his hands. For you see, Morris is an old “Trekko” from way back!
Oh, Morris never really liked “The Second Generation” all that much. Or “Deep Space Number Nine” or “Now, Voyager.” It’s the old series, from the Seventies, when Morris was a kid, that really make him want to “go where nobody’s been, ever!” Jean Roddenbury’s original vision really grabbed hold of young Morris Pevensey and never let go.
So with great eagerness, Morris T. Pevensey “trekked” to the local Loew’s, “tractor-beamed” himself some popcorn, and “bleemed in” to his theater seat.
How was it? I can hear a whole galaxy of readers hanging on every word.
Let me consult my notes. Here goes: “Oh. Oh dear. Oh Dear. What? Oh no. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.”
I’m sorry to say, Morris-pals, that’s mostly how the reaction of this old-school “Trekster” went. Where to begin?
With the not-so-bad. As you may know, most of the original cast are dead from excessive weight-gain. So they had to cast young actors in the roles. Oh dear. The first thing I noticed was (again!) that today’s generation of actors really could stand a few months of e-lo-cu-tion training. They sound callow and mush-mouthed, every one of them. I can believe that Dr. Spock at some point in his life went from being a gormless pipsqueak (as he is played here) to the gallant ladies’ man of the classic series. I find it harder to believe that he started out mumbling “Affrmddiv” and later figured out how to say “af-firm-a-tive” like a grownup.
The slightly worse: They all run around like a bunch of nine-year olds playing spaceship. What is this, the Mighty Morphing Power Rangerers? Lieutentant Uhuru in particular is far friskier than I remember, jamming her doe-eyed mug into everyone’s tonsils like a lubricious trollop. Young Kirk, who looks. And sounds. Nothing. Like the. Original. Kirk. (ha ha!) mumbles and squeaks his way through the shiny spaceship, frequently punching things to show what a rebel he is.
The rest are OK, I suppose. Come to think of it, they’re supposed to be our Beloved Cast back in their greenhorn years. Is it not logical (sorry!) for them to act like a bunch of horny, squabbly college students? The more the movie went on, the more I warmed to this immature, half-baked version of the classic characters. You could really actually imagine them acting this way Back In The Stardate. The US Enterprize looks great too. The evil clowns whose business it is to Modernize and Update everything iconic (so that it ends up looking drearily generic, and instantly dated anyway) have mostly left the Enterprize alone, keeping it all Neo-Mod Vacuum Cleaner like it was in the olden days.
The cast: OK. The design. B+. But oh, what have they done to Star Fleet? What is this idiotic plot? Oh, Morris wants to set his phayzer on “KILL SCREENWRITERS!”
First of all, if you are the future Captain Kirk, how do you join Starfleet? You’re basically a farm kid. You get into a fight in a hick bar. Then the Wise Grizzled Space Captain steps in and says “You should be a captain!” So the next day, you just toss your hoverbike keys to the shipyard guard, hop on the shuttle with the cadets, and you get your THREE YEARS LATER title card. Don’t you need to fill out an application? What about grades? Tuition?
Then you act like a complete putz, cheat on your tests, screw around and you get a Disciplinary Hearing. Which every student in the Academy attends. Don’t they have tests or something to study for? Why do they care?
In the middle of the hearing…RED ALERT! So everybody in the academy goes and ships out that minute! They all run out of the hearing and climb aboard spaceships. Don’t they get to graduate? Is Starfleet that shorthanded! “We need every single student right NOW!”
So, here they are aboard the Enterprize. In exactly the same configuration as the TV show. There’s Uhuru, opening hailing frequencies (only now she’s an expert in Xenolinguistics. Groan!!!) And Mr. Suloo in the driver seat. The only senior officer aboard is Wise Grizzled Captain Pike. Is this how it works in the Space Navy? They send out an entire battleship staffed with officers who literally moments ago were studying for exams?
Then when they meet the bad guy ship, the Wise Grizzled Captain, acting upon the scary-voice orders of the bad guy, ditches his ship and beams aboard the enemy’s! Even though the last captain who agreed to this chowderheaded move was killed instantly. Oh good. Wise Old Cap is out of the way. Now the kids can play spaceship.
As for the plot, it’s mostly incomprehensible. As usual with blockbusters these days. A scary bald alien in a giant spaceship zips through a black hole and threatens the earth. So it’s up to the Starfleet Babies, none of whom, as far as I could tell, has ever been on a spaceship before, to stop him. Along the way, Old Spock travels back in time to meet the youngsters. Of course he does. Wow, Lenard Nemoy looks old! His face is so pockmarked and liverspotted you can barely see his eyebrows. Gone too, alas, is that gravely baritone. Age has robbed Nemoy of that magnificent instrument. Now his voice is high and quavery, kind of like Abe Simpson.
Two major problems with this plot. First, do the Starfleet Babies have to SAVE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE for their first ever adventure? I mean, I assume the cackling plutocrats who sponsored this extravaganza want to make a new franchise out of this. Where will they go from here? How does it get any better than saving the entire universe? Who will care about the upcoming Five Year Mission? After you’ve saved the universe your first day, will not tribbles seem trivial?
Oh, but about those Tribbles. And Khan. And the Kirk-Spock duel on Vulcan. Remember those classic moments? Well forget about them.
This film’s baffling nonsensical time travel plot means that….drumroll please…
…Reality Is Altered!
And after the scary aliens are done altering reality, the Death Blob… [must keep quiet about The Big Spoiler, but trust me, it REALLY alters the Trek universe!]. This means the old series NEVER HAPPENED! Never! Believe me, several of the classic episodes are completely impossible after the destruction of [—–] and the death of [—–] and the scandalous gay bondage affair of [—–] and [—–].
Never happened! No old series! No Star Treks I - VI! Now the New Trek is the New Reality! And get ready! Cause installment after installment is coming your way! Pretty soon, no one will remember lame old 70’s Trek any more.
Is this not like the grasping corpulent slugs of today’s Entertainment-Industrial complex? They steal from us something cool and old and iconic, and replace it utterly with Their Version?!? Oh Lord, and Morris shudders in the face of the inevitable marketing onslaught of New Trek Crap that will surely drown us all.
Morris officially rates the phony New Trek a Klingon Plot!
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The problem with this movie is that the whole plot was stole from a bad trip I had in Vegas. I was playing slots in the LV Hilton and I had been getting them free vodka and tonix from an old woman in fishnets and I wandered to take a wizz but then I sat down to aim and before I know it I’m being tole, “this is not a drill, this is not a drill, Klingons are attacking Yer Anus, Klingons are attacking Yur Anus,” and the whole room starts shaking and lights start flashing and sound starts blaring and I start puking and the lights come up and I’m sitting on the corner of the parking lot and this cop is in my face and some hillbilly with a camera and some hot hispanic chick offering me 50 bucks to sign some form so I can be on TV instead of jail.
10 months later, I’ve forgotten the whole thing (what happenz in Vegas stayz there, beetch) and I see myself on COPS. How’s that for f**kkked up!!! So those LAZY HOLLYWOOD nobrainerz not only stole my nightmare, they remade it from Cops LV. Typical Hollywood crap, you ask me. They ain’t had an original idea in years, I tell you, years.
duuuuuuuuude, that was you? I saw you get taken down by that skinny metro cop. haha, I can’t believe you signed your life away and let them show that on TV. Do you still have friends? LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
I somewhat agree with the perspective of the first commentator. The movie plays like Star Trek Borg Invasion 4-D. Compare also with Star Tours at Disneyworldland / Mouse Reich.
Here’s the general scenario of what happens on these ride films (and the corresponding Star Trek movie similarity):
1) You pay too much for admission (no need to elaborate)
2) You go through a museum (in the case of the movie, retread characters and other historical remnants of the old movies and tv shows)
3) You enter the ship, shuttle, enterprise, whatever, whereupon the Klingons attack, Borgs invade, or Tie-fighters approach (in the movie: Romulans)
4) you and your fellow ticket holders are deputized as star fighters (movie: star babies get promoted)
5) The room starts to shake, the chair squeezes your ass, and you lose both your mind and lunch for the duration of the movie (no need to elaborate on the cinematic equivalent of this one either)
The makers of ride films set out to give the audience a simulation of action, and the makers of the new Star Trek have done the same thing. They have effectively shifted the paradigm of the original series from idea-driven to action driven. This isn’t to say the original episodes weren’t full of action, but there was always a solid idea at its core that held primacy over the show’s more visceral elements.
While the new Star Trek has hybridized itself from science fiction to action/scifi, it has also attempted to keep its earlier history in perspective by maintaining the same characters (replete with many of the same mannerisms), not to mention many of the familiar tropes and scenarios from earlier shows. The movie blasts the audience with a strange mixture of physically enervating action sequences while winking and nudging the entire way. Characters are developed through action (usually fighting) rather than introspection, reflection, or conversation, while internal logic is not just ignored, it’s painted over with broad strokes of light and beaten down with explosions. It’s Captain Kirk meets Bollywood with action sequences replacing the song and dance numbers.
Does it work? Audiences seem to be lapping it up. Box office is stellar and the in the theater where I saw the film people clapped after it was over.
But I must be just as curmudgeonly as you, Morris, because I left the theater feeling about the same way I do after a ride film. It was fun in a pukey kind of way… but… is this particular episode as it relates to the greater history of Star Trek really going to be recorded in the starlogs? Are we really expected to believe, like you mentioned, the absurd premise of a gaggle of new recruits suddenly called aboard a starship to save the universe with quips and laser guns? (Is Star Trek transforming itself into Star Wars?). Is there someway to just treat this thing like some silly non-consequential spinoff in the same way we do Marvel Zombies?
I kind of wish Leonard Nimoy never appeared in the thing. Sure, I’m glad to see him still kicking around. But just like you said — in being clever, the filmmakers have undermined the entire history of the series. Personally, I’m not that invested in the series to care that much, just like when Jason appeared in outer space in the Friday the 13th movies, but to an old Trekie like yourself, you might consider stronger medication because based on the box office buzz, it’s only going to get worse…
For awhile,I thought i was worried Star Trek was a passing away franchise. Then JJ Abrams came along. Nice touch. The scene with kid Kirk was too quirky in the film, nevertheless it was very hot in the movie trailer. Star Trek XI breathed new life into this much loved Roddenberry world. I’d like to see all of this Enterprise cast recurrence for extra outings. I grew up with the first series. Heck, my father got us a color TV just so we could view Star Trek every Friday evening. Now, I’m stuck on these new famous actors. In MHO, they have absolutely breathed life into their characters and made them their own. I, for example, am getting excited about more.