Movie 666

From: The Foxhole of John Connor

To: Resistance Forces, Freedom Fighters, Directors of Photography, and All Others Engaged in the War Versus Machines

Re: Proper Protocol on the Battlefield

Let me get right to the phucking point. Last week one of you douchebags was moving lights around while I was lining up a Terminator in the scope of my Pulse Phase Plasma Rifle. Well, congratulations dickwad, you ruined my phucking shot, and a lot of people died because of it.

I want all you hoseheads to read this loud and clear. WHEN YOU ARE ON THE BATTLEFIELD, ACT PHUCKING PROFESSIONAL. That means no digging through piles of skulls looking for souvenirs, no flipping through Batman comic books even if they star me, and absolutely NO PHUCKING WITH THE LIGHTS.

Get the phuck with it, people. We’re not just talking flesh and metal anymore. The new Terminators will shoot a spike of liquid metal up your unprofessional ass so fast you won’t even have a chance to say something witty before you die. And death without punchy dialogue ain’t good for the movie business.

And here’s another thing… Some of you lugnuts still keep calling me Christian. WELL KNOCK IT THE PHUCK OFF. My mother Sarah named me John, not Christian. And she sure the phuck didn’t name me Edward or that dude from T3 — who the phuck was that guy anyhow? Yeah, it’s a sad phucking world, I know, where actors get swapped faster than full metal jackets in a firefight with Arnold clones. So let’s keep it simple. I’m the one and only John Connor from now till the end of time, and if one of you unprofessional punks wrecks my shot again, John Connor is going to get futuristic on your ass. You hear that, Hurley?

Now, lastly, for any of you sitting out there thinking that John “CB” Connor ain’t a nice guy and that leaders should speak softly and carry a big sawed off stick yadda phucking yadda. Well, here’s some phucking news for you. WAR IS PHUCKING HELL and you’d be pissed too if your phucking toaster suddenly stood up one day and sprayed your entire family with the hot end of an Uzi 9 — which it will I surely promise you it will. So start getting used to some tough love you unprofessional douchebags. We got ourselves a war to win!

Christian Bale later apologized saying he has a “pottymouth” and attributing his outburst in part due to the pressure he felt as John Connor waging war against machines determined to exterminate humanity.

Related posts:

1. Terminator Salvation
2. This Borg Needs Blood… and a Brain
3. Does the Matrix Already Have Us?
4. Equilibrium: A Bush Like Vision of the Future
5. Doomsday Revisits Dystopia

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