Movie 666

By Francesca Mosconi, Hollywood Player

Quick update kids on the Hollywood scene. Summer was BIG BANK for the Big H. First of all, Signs was all the rage and even made the cover of Newsweek. Who wants to read about nerve gas when Mel is at the box office?

Leo - all grown up!!!

Second of all, my Lex is in the shop again. Note to self: buy a Rover next year.

I did the whole Cannes thing again. It was quite posh. Just so you know, the French love our movies. Personally, I think they still need some work on theirs, which are still a bit too chatty. They don’t quite get rap music either.

Luc Besson has the right idea: guns, kung fu and beautiful women. Did you see Le Transporter? It’s as if Luc was born and raised out here in SoCal instead of in dreary France. There’s nothing French about his movie except the funny accents and stupid tiny police cars. He’ll show the rest of them soon enough.

I had coffee with Robert Altman. Well, he was there at least. I think it was him. He’s kind of fuzzy looking, right? Robert is such a doll. I love biscotti. I actually love the word biscotti more than biscotti itself. Bissssss-cawwwwwwwwwww-teeeeeeeee. Lovely.

Did you hear the latest about Marty and Steven? Well, they tiffed over the release date of their new films. Turns out both wanted to release movies with darling Leonardo over Christmas. So Marty gave in.

My friend Roger - gay! - he always told me how he wanted to dress Leonardo up like a girl and do the unspeakable to him. Well, no more. Leonardo is a young man now! Did you see the cover of Details. He’s been working out at the Club on the Westside and damn if he isn’t a pup no more. Fascinating.

Hold on, kids, my phone is ringing.

“Frahn here — oh sure Eddie– oh yes Eddie — it was great, I had coffee with Robert Altman, and the French love our movies — oh yes, it was very posh and decadent — so how about twelve thirty at Chin Chin’s and we’ll discuss the revisions — grand, just grand — I’ll be there darling”

[click]

That was my writing partner, Eddie. Good for nothing ladder climbing cocksucker.

I don’t want to spoil the fun, kids, but what do you think of all this talk of war? You know, Iraq, North Korea, anyone new on the “to bomb” list today?

Scary, huh — I’m worried because the screenplay I’m shopping around town is about a 10 year old Salvadoran boy named Ignacio who’s family was killed by U.S. backed death squads and who flees to America only to be sucked into a world of street crime where he is used like a pawn by gangs for drug running and murder before being arrested and tried as an adult and sent to a maximum security prison where his apotheosis as a criminal is completed.

Should we just have some cop shoot the twirp and make it more sellable?

Hold on - another phone call.

“Franh here — dammit Mom, I told you NEVER to call me at work — I’m busy interviewing myself for an important film journal” [click]

Sorry, kids, that was my producer. Big player. I call her “Mom”, but, you know, that’s just a nickname that a lot of people call her. My brother calls her that too.

Okay, like I said, my Lexus is in the shop again. It’s a four wheel drive and it requires upkeep. I like the security it gives me. It’s easy to get in accidents while talking on the phone and someday I might actually use my hump skills to make children.

Well, Chin Chin’s is calling. I highly recommend it. One disappointment: no crunchy noodles. I love when you get Chinese food and get those darling crunchy noodles. But they do have those mammoth mushrooms that taste terrible but look so posh on your plate. So until next time, kids: smooch.

Think of me the next time you deep throat a biscotti.

Related posts:

1. Drugged Out Hollywood Gets Rehabilitated in Traffic
2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Hollywood Blockbuster
3. Beyond the Hollywood Domain: the Cinema of the Web
4. Last Words: What the Other Critics Aren’t Saying
5. Milk

Trackback Post